Grams’ Birthday Follow-up

So last night, after work, Jazz and I drove over to Grams’ house on the motorcycle. To distract her, Jazz had her sit in front of him and drive around the neighborhood for a little while. While they were gone, Dad and I set up all the half-naked men cards* all over the living room. When we were done, I swear it almost looked like a tiny strip club. So of course I had to add a little disco ball, cue up the club music, and get the lighting just right. NOW it looked like a tiny strip club!

Grams thought the cards were hilarious! At first, she just liked looking at all the photos, then I pointed out the comments tapped inside. She spent a while reading a few, but said she’d have to read the rest later because they were getting her all weepy. She just loved getting the credit for raising me right and we spent some time hugging the stuffing out of each other.

The rocking chair glider was a GINORMOUS hit. She planted herself in it and sat there the rest of the night like a queen on her throne. Got a little queeny too since she literally didn’t get up for anything. I can’t tell you how many things Jazz had to bend over and pick up for her She is so wicked! (He did look edible in his jeans, though.)

Then 4 of Grams’ friends showed up…and brought a stripper! I had joked about getting her one, but apparently they weren’t joking. His name was Paulo and he had a dark tan, black hair all messed up, tall and toned like crazy, great big smile, and wow did he know how to work him some old ladies. Everybody got a lap-dance! (Well, not Dad since he fled to the kitchen at one point… The, uh, point when it was my turn actually. ) Paulo said he was a student with an older girlfriend — loved a mature woman, he said — but he was seriously, disturbingly comfortable grinding all over Jazz. (The fact Jazz watched me and not Paulo saved Paulo from leaving with a few smack-prints on his person.)

After Paulo sashayed his G-stringed butt out of the house — amid a chorus of wolf-whistles — Grams’ opened the rest of her gifts from Dad and her friends. Dad got her a movie theater gift card and, after Paulo, the ladies were eager to see Magic Mike this weekend. After that, the evening turned into discussions of everyone’s memories of strip clubs, bachelorette parties, and Jazz’s trip to Vegas where he saw a topless show which led to one of Grams’ friends telling us about how she was almost IN one of those shows (she got pregnant and they kicked her out).

Overall, it was a seriously hilarious, mildly disturbing night of debauchery.

And then I took Jazz home and gave him a real lap-dance!

* All comments from the last post for Grams up until 5 PM went into cards. I’ll print out all the ones after that time and give them to her the next time I see her, probably Sunday.

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• Happy Birthday, Grams! (thornynotprickly.wordpress.com)

Happy Birthday, Grams!

Jazz and I made her a rocking chair glider that she’s going to just love to pieces

OK, technically, Jazz did all the woodworking from a kit, and then I painted it before we shellacked the heck out of it so it’s all shiny. It took us a few months to get it done, but I know she’s going to adore it when we bring it over tonight.

Dirty old lady that she is, she also asked for a sexy young stud, so I bought every card I could find in 3 card stores that had hot guys on them.

If you would like to have your birthday wishes given to Grams, just write a comment and start it with “Dear Grams…” and I’ll print those out and tuck them in the cards. We’ll see her later tonight, so there’s plenty of time. I know a lot of you really like her, so I thought I’d open this up so you could wish her a happy birthday.

This one’s for you, Grams! Happy 75th Birthday!