Whose Life is it Anyway?
July 19, 2012 18 Comments
I got into a fight with my Dad and then took it home to Jazz. It started with Dad asking me about my fall schedule and whether I’d “gotten my act in gear yet”.
I’m not sure if this is something that’s been building with him or not. When he brought it up, it didn’t seem sudden or anything, but he sure had his argument all ready to go. I really didn’t so it was kind of shocking to have him getting in my face when I just thought we were talking.
Now he knows that I’m considering teaching and that I got myself into a college track thing already. I really believe that’s where I fit best and teaching still sounds good to me. The teachers might be getting screwed around here lately, but I’m years away from being one of them, so I’m not worried. Things eventually even out, right? And maybe I’ll change my mind and discover I’m like a genius with quantum physics or something. Who knows? Like I said, not worried, plenty of time.
Granted, it’s getting close to registration deadlines for classes and I haven’t registered yet, but it’s not that big a deal to me.
Apparently, it’s a big damn deal to my dad.
There is a part of me that resents him stepping in now and trying to parent. I know it’s there and I totally admit it. I know he’s not the first person I go to when I have decisions to make and I’m pretty sure he knows that too. I have zero desire to actually tell him to butt out because what if he does? I do want him in my life, but nope, don’t want him controlling it. So when he came at me with “make something of yourself” and “don’t you want to contribute” and “you can’t live off Jazz forever”… Yeah, I popped. Totally broke my resolution not to cuss and exploded all over him.
It’s the last one that really got me. I joke about my sugar daddy, but Jesus, I don’t actually want to be the brainless arm candy milking Jazz’s wallet. I want to contribute to our home and our life like any adult man does. I was talking to someone else about how he’s just putting his life back together now and getting to the point where he wants to do this sort of thing too. I know my situation is being young and not having like corporate skills to actually have a salary and all that, while his is all about recovery from serious trauma, but we’re kind of in the same boat.
Anyway, so I get home from all that with my dad and Jazz tries to make me see Dad’s point and why Dad might’ve even brought it up at all to begin with. Looking back now, I get it and I know Jazz was trying to help, but everything I couldn’t say in the moment to Dad came out just fine when I exploded all over Jazz. I’ve “got a mouth on me” as Grams has often said about me when I get riled up and I basically chewed Jazz up and spit him out even though he was the last person I should’ve done that to.
So argue with Dad about future – ✔
Argue with Jazz about Dad – ✔
Screwed up both of those – ✔✔
See I haven’t registered for classes yet because I haven’t decided on which ones I wanted to take or how many hours I wanted to commit to even. Full-time, part-time? Get the Gen. Ed. classes done, or them plus major classes to see what I like? My college is paid for, so that’s not a consideration, but time and stress and where this is going are things I have to think about. I’m all for advice from my family, advisors, counselors, etc. but I don’t need some kind of intervention like I need to be saved from myself.
I’ve got this.
But yeah, I’m a bit of a bastard when I get backed into a corner.
Yesterday’s post of that song from Jazz was another way he’s made sure I understand that we can fight and say things we don’t mean without everything ending. He believes in me, loves me, will stick around forever. Me too because when I have a decision to make, when something worries me and I need help, it’s Jazz I go to first now. Used to be Grams, but now it’s my husband because things make a whole heck of a lot more sense when he says it. I just need to listen better.
In the end, I talked to Dad again and made peace in the form of it’s my life and I’m not going to screw it up on purpose, but thanks for your concern and I know where you are when I need you. But I haven’t registered yet and I won’t until I make some decisions about what I want to do with my fall schedule. I’m feeling like this is good and everything’s going to be OK now. I just need to do things at my own pace without a lot of poking to see if I’m done yet.
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Kudos to you for being mature enough to calm down, admit mistakes, make apologies, etc. It’s a wonderful thing to have a relationship where you know you can blow up and know that it won’t be the end of the world.
As far as school, this particular bit of knowledge really makes a difference only if you’re going to be full time and try to do it all in 4 years: IF you know what you want to major in, start your ‘major’ classes as early as you can, and fill in other bits of your schedule with your gen ed classes. The problem that the ‘undecided’ run into is that they take all of their gen ed classes early, and once they decide on a major, they have to take certain prerequisite classes in particular semesters in a particular order, and they don’t have any other classes left to fill in gaps in the schedule. This causes havoc with scheduling if you haven’t thought about how you’ll accomplish it well in advance.
One of THE BEST things I ever did my first semester of college was sit down with the course catalog and all of my major, minor, gen ed, and honors requisites and make a 4-year plan. Easy to say, but it took around 3-4 hours to do, once you figure out prerequisite classes and the upper level major classes which are only offered either Fall or Spring or only every other year. I never had to figure out what I was going to take the next semester because I already had. I just had to sign up and that was it. No scrambling. I followed that plan and graduated on time with everything I wanted.
My husband just went back to college. We spent a full evening looking at all the prerequisites for the double-major he was looking at and how to work around everything. (He’s since decided to go back to a single major because he was trying to cram too much in and was going to burn himself out on the upper-level courses.)
However, that’s only going to be necessary or work if you know what you want to major in and if you’re going to be full-time. If you spread your classes out more by being only a part-time student, then ‘cramming’ or trying to hit particular classes is not as difficult. It may still require a bit of planning, but you have much more flexibility. =)
I hope that helps, hon. =)
Thank you, Adara!
I’m definitely going to do something like this. Maybe seeing the whole big picture will help me in figuring out what to do and when. Thank you!
Well I just wanted to say that I’m glad you worked things out. And I think the universe really wanted me to get the message this week. LOL. You and Jazz are truly solid Thorny. Everyone should be so lucky to have a Jazz!
*hugs*
You’re right to be proud of going back to your Dad and sorting things out. Sometimes in families grievances can be held for years! Your Dad would have been upset too, so you being the mature one and returning to talk it through with him helped you both. Hugs to you for standing your ground AND being the peacemaker, not everyone can do both. And hugs to Jazz for letting you know you can vent on him and still have his love and support.
Thanks for your comments! I am a little proud about how I went back to Dad and we talked without anyone getting upset this time. Jazz has a theory that Dad doesn’t know exactly what to do because I’m not the kid I was when he went to jail and that was really the last time he did any real parenting. I think that could be right and I think I might not have freaked so much if Grams had been the one to ask all those questions because she’s been my parent all this time. Dad and I have been like getting to know each other and I guess it’s evolving.
One other thing is that I’ve got the opportunity to be a full-time student without working at all, if I want to take it. I do like my job, but it’s not my life and there are a lot of times when I’ve got absolutely nothing to do and it feels like I’m there because they like me and not because they need me. I’ve seen our finances and I know it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t work. I’m thinking about doing it for a semester as a test both for our finances and for my sanity as a full-time college student. And God yes, if there’s every the opportunity for me to take care of Jazz for any reason, I’ll totally be all over it!
I think everyone has already said everything I’d have said, but I just wanted to echo that you should be proud, Thorny. And with school, you’ll do what’s right for you when you’re ready for it. Its good things all around. *hugs*
There’s a weird power-balance, isn’t there, when one half of a couple is the primary earner? It’s something I still struggle with on a regular basis as a SAHM, even after a decade, and many many conversations with the hubby about it. Is it fair of me to put all the onus of a paycheck on him? Is it fair to him and the kids for me to bring in a paycheck, too? Especially since at their current ages, probably 90% of my paycheck would go to after school care, evening/weekend care, summer daycare… And if, somehow, I manage to get back to school myself, that will mean extra money going out but none coming in, and there will be a reshuffling of chores and responsibilities; how is that going to affect the family dynamic?
That dynamic was always strained in my family as I was a kid; Dad left school after getting his Bachelor’s Degree to work, while my mom went on to spend the next 10 years working on her PhD and having three kids. Now, for the second time in their marriage, she’s the wage-earner and my dad is currently out of work.
So it’s really a balance. Right now, Jazz is supporting you. There will be times where finances are more even between the two of you, and there may come a day when, for whatever reason, *you’re* the one bringing home the metaphorical (or even actual) bacon — though we’ll hope not.
In the end, though, it’s between you and Jazz, and really not your dad’s business, unless you’ve asked his advice, or have had to ask him for money for household expenses. It’s nice to have someone outside of the relationship you can use as a sounding board, and a parent seems like an obvious choice sometimes, but you may have to gently cut off any such conversations as soon as they start and maybe find a friend or mentor to speak to about such things if they start to bother you.
I can’t say much that hasn’t already been said. It’s hard when someone we care about corners us like that and you obviously had thought out all your school plans already even if you are still deciding, so when that happened with your dad…yeah I can see why it made you explode that way. And unleashing it on Jazz when he tried to explain what he thought…thats happens too and the important thing is that he knows or knew it wasn’t directed at him and you worked it out together.
Be proud of all that you have already done and accomplished already and do what you feel is right for you.
HUGE HUGS!
I’ve done this to my husband, because sometimes when I just want to vent, he wants to “fix” everything and when he tries to calm me down by being the “voice of reason” I shred his reasonable explanations all over the scene. Not helping, honey. But you made up with Jazz and he loves you and I’m sure understands where that was coming from.
I imagine an imbalance of income is harder for two guys – a woman earning a lot less still feels more acceptable, however antiquated that may be. My husband put me through professional school and it did feel like I was freeloading a bit, but I knew a job was coming at the end of it. I made sure I was doing a lot around the house for him, especially things he doesn’t like, like laundry, although there were times I had to study and not much else, and I just had to tell myself I’d do the same for him. I’ll never earn half as much as he does, but how much money I bring into the household is a pretty crappy measure of my value to him. You and Jazz have another fifty years together; taking his support financially for the first few years, to give yourself a job you will enjoy, stick with, come home happy from and feel empowered by for the next 45, is going to be one of the best investments he’s ever made.
Your dad is being a typical dad. I had to smile a little, because my husband just did almost the exact same thing with my daughter. (“When are you taking the GRE? Have you started studying for it yet? Don’t sign up for too much music because your transcript will look too artsy for an architecture program…”) But that doesn’t mean you have to let him get into your decisions like that. The point at which you cut him off and say, “Thanks for your concern but I’ve got this,” is your call, but it’s a reasonable thing to say. Especially since you do have Jazz to talk things over with as you’re making decisions, if you need a second opinion. Jazz knows you, your dreams and your goals, better than your dad does at this point. (Another hard thing for a parent to accept, even if it is inevitable.) So I’m glad you can see it comes from concern and wanting you safely independent and successful, even if the phrasing sure was clumsy and inflammatory. My kid is still in her dad’s face over it – you’re a lot more mature. (Well she is 18 but still…)
So *HUGS* to you and to Jazz, congrats for working your way down off the annoyance to communicating better again with the men in your life, and my hat’s off to you for your self-awareness.
Thornton, at some point we all need to step up and take responsibility for ourselves. Jazz sees this happening in you—sees you making daily decisions, large and small, that add up to being a man who can determine his own future. This I would venture to say makes Jazz proud of you–makes him love you even a bit more.
It scares the hell out of your father. For you see–he is under the misdirected idea that when you come to your own decisions without his input that you are effectively saying you no longer need him–whatsoever. And that scares him–makes him feel unneeded–superfluous. When we feel that way we act in one of two ways–we drag ourselves off in a sorry state of “nobody wants me or needs me” OR we lash out in a superior almost angry way, “I’ll show you just how much you need me by pointing out what I feel are your faults–your irresponsible behaviors.”
You just got the latter–and it was no doubt as you said a bit of a shock. And your response was, while admittedly, emotional, still appropriate–because you are right–your life–is your life–and no one can make these decisions for you–but you.
And then,,,well then you did what all us marrieds do–welcome to our world–you took out your frustration on the one who you promised to cherish–and then felt like shit afterwards. And he? He understood–and loved you in return—–and that is exactly how it should all work–unconditional love, confidence in your decisions, support, and understanding. Need I even say the obvious–how very lucky you are? No–I don’t–because you have already told us you know.
The classes will work themselves out…Jazz will love you more each day and your Dad…sigh…well that is going to be the one you are going to have to watch I think. For a bit –and more and more the older you get, you are going to find yourself being the “parent” sometimes–and needing to be “tolerant” of your Dad’s misguided anxieties and advice. You are going to find that you are now the long suffering one–the one who refuses to engage in useless arguments in order to maintain peace.
This is a huge role reversal–and one we all face sooner or later. It will be ever so gradual–this shifting in your relationship–every once in a while, it will be violent–hence the arguments–but for the most part you will all drift into it over the years.
Perhaps the only thing I can tell you is to do what you are already doing–trust your husband–he is your best friend–has your interests above any one else’s to think about. He will be your support! As your father becomes more like the child and you more like the parent–Jazz will be there–to remind you that you must be patient–long-suffering–and tolerant. And you and Jazz will grow all the more close as a result.
You are a smart young man–I have no doubt that you will make a phenomenal teacher–and as one myself–I will tell you that you will be sought after–as there are so few males who teach anymore. And one day it may very well be your turn to support Jazz financially for a bit–and you will be ready to do so–just as he is now.
You, as usual, are on the right path–and you are walking this journey beautifully.
Now, I shall step down off my soapbox and let you to it–and have the lovely benefit of being able to watch and read about it.
The beauty of you Thornton, is the way in which you choose to love your husband and live your life–no one can take that from you–no one can taint that–it is yours and I am so happy you have it.
College is just a byproduct–the real life is there, sitting across the dining room table from you, staring into your eyes–with an expression that says, “You are mine…and I am yours.” And that is all that matters.
Everybody else has said it so well already.
Thorny, you impress me daily, and boy, are you well-matched with Jazz. You’re different than my parents, of course, but the ways you two work things out reminds me of them…and they’ve been married over 48 years.
Regardless of how old any of us get, we say things we don’t mean in ways we wish we didn’t, but what I’m really taken with is how quickly you stop, reflect and then work out what it is you REALLY need to work out. I do that pretty well now, but I’m double…*choke*…your age.
At the end of the day, all of this happened because you all love each other so much. Your dad loves you enough that he’s concerned about you. You love him so that any implied criticism hurts. You take out those feelings on Jazz because, well, he’s the love of your life, and who else do you trust more? Jazz loves you enough to try to help you see your Dad’s side, and work it all out, and is willing to deal with temporary discord to do so.
If I can echo Cris (which I think I do a lot!): you two inspire me.
Thorny, you are so damn self-aware. What an old soul. You are more mature (well, maybe not while in the heat of the moment, but who is {and don’t tell me Jazz is because we already think he’s too perfect}) than many people twice your age. I admire that you were able to go back and talk it out with your dad & Jazz after you had blown off steam.
The thing I have learned is that men are fixers and women are listeners (generalization, I know!). So when Jazz heard you and your dad were hurting each other, he wanted to fix it for you by explaining how someone outside the argument may see both points of view. He wasn’t taking sides. He’s always on your side. He just wanted to help. When my husband does that, I just want to drop an anvil on his head. So, you won! You didn’t drop an anvil on anyone’s head.
Ah, being a parent is hard. Wait, being a kid is hard. LOL As a parent I really try hard to bite my tongue and my daughter is only 17. I find out many things after the fact, but I try hard to remember that she’s a trustworthy kid and I have to let her figure things out on her own and hope she’ll come to me if she needs me. As an adult, nothing is worse than people acting like you aren’t trustworthy and can’t make decisions for yourself.
So you haven’t missed the registration deadline. That’s really the only important thing. In my mind, now and when I was in college, the only reason to register early was to get specific classes you wanted to take before they filled up. If that’s not an issue then… *shrug* If you’re not sure about which classes, I’d say an academic adviser should be able to help, but you know that, and mentioned it.
Hey, you’re young and you already have a job, going to school part time with a maybe career path (I’m closer to 50 and sometimes am not sure what my career path should be) and are in a stable relationship. You’re many parents dream child.
Aw sweetie, it happens sometimes. The people we love the most are the ones we can be the biggest asses to. Honestly, I would have done the same thing. I hate coming to an argument unadvised I was going to be having one! I’m sure both your dad (who really should have probably gone about that little talk in a more friendly manner) and jazz understand. *big hugs*
Parents always interfere, even when you’re well out of the college part of life and on to supporting yourself in every way. It’s really the only way they can show they still care, and still feel like they are part of your life when you really don’t need them to make decisions anymore. Not worth getting upset over it. Family is important cause once it’s gone, it’s gone. Just remember to take everything with a grain of salt and keep doing what you feel is right. Everything else will fall into place.
I figured when I heard the song that it was in response to a fight, but since the song is all “I love you and nothing’s going to change that”, I figured you guys were gonna be fine
Honestly, after having had a relationship where I was too afraid to argue, I think it’s amazing when two people are open and honest enough with each other to show their asses (in the not-so-good-way) and still be in love. Not that it’s recommended to go off on a loved one, but that is WAY better than not being able to let something out because you’re afraid of what might happen.
You two continue to inspire me
Its hard not to unload on the people we love when we are upset, especially when they are trying to help us see the other side. Good on you for owning up to your part in all of this and doing what you can to make it better. More people in this world need to do that. Wishing you much luck on figuring out what classes to take this fall! I know you’ll choose the right thing for you.