Whose Life is it Anyway?
July 19, 2012 18 Comments
I got into a fight with my Dad and then took it home to Jazz. It started with Dad asking me about my fall schedule and whether I’d “gotten my act in gear yet”.
I’m not sure if this is something that’s been building with him or not. When he brought it up, it didn’t seem sudden or anything, but he sure had his argument all ready to go. I really didn’t so it was kind of shocking to have him getting in my face when I just thought we were talking.
Now he knows that I’m considering teaching and that I got myself into a college track thing already. I really believe that’s where I fit best and teaching still sounds good to me. The teachers might be getting screwed around here lately, but I’m years away from being one of them, so I’m not worried. Things eventually even out, right? And maybe I’ll change my mind and discover I’m like a genius with quantum physics or something. Who knows? Like I said, not worried, plenty of time.
Granted, it’s getting close to registration deadlines for classes and I haven’t registered yet, but it’s not that big a deal to me.
Apparently, it’s a big damn deal to my dad.
There is a part of me that resents him stepping in now and trying to parent. I know it’s there and I totally admit it. I know he’s not the first person I go to when I have decisions to make and I’m pretty sure he knows that too. I have zero desire to actually tell him to butt out because what if he does? I do want him in my life, but nope, don’t want him controlling it. So when he came at me with “make something of yourself” and “don’t you want to contribute” and “you can’t live off Jazz forever”… Yeah, I popped. Totally broke my resolution not to cuss and exploded all over him.
It’s the last one that really got me. I joke about my sugar daddy, but Jesus, I don’t actually want to be the brainless arm candy milking Jazz’s wallet. I want to contribute to our home and our life like any adult man does. I was talking to someone else about how he’s just putting his life back together now and getting to the point where he wants to do this sort of thing too. I know my situation is being young and not having like corporate skills to actually have a salary and all that, while his is all about recovery from serious trauma, but we’re kind of in the same boat.
Anyway, so I get home from all that with my dad and Jazz tries to make me see Dad’s point and why Dad might’ve even brought it up at all to begin with. Looking back now, I get it and I know Jazz was trying to help, but everything I couldn’t say in the moment to Dad came out just fine when I exploded all over Jazz. I’ve “got a mouth on me” as Grams has often said about me when I get riled up and I basically chewed Jazz up and spit him out even though he was the last person I should’ve done that to.
So argue with Dad about future – ✔
Argue with Jazz about Dad – ✔
Screwed up both of those – ✔✔
See I haven’t registered for classes yet because I haven’t decided on which ones I wanted to take or how many hours I wanted to commit to even. Full-time, part-time? Get the Gen. Ed. classes done, or them plus major classes to see what I like? My college is paid for, so that’s not a consideration, but time and stress and where this is going are things I have to think about. I’m all for advice from my family, advisors, counselors, etc. but I don’t need some kind of intervention like I need to be saved from myself.
I’ve got this.
But yeah, I’m a bit of a bastard when I get backed into a corner.
Yesterday’s post of that song from Jazz was another way he’s made sure I understand that we can fight and say things we don’t mean without everything ending. He believes in me, loves me, will stick around forever. Me too because when I have a decision to make, when something worries me and I need help, it’s Jazz I go to first now. Used to be Grams, but now it’s my husband because things make a whole heck of a lot more sense when he says it. I just need to listen better.
In the end, I talked to Dad again and made peace in the form of it’s my life and I’m not going to screw it up on purpose, but thanks for your concern and I know where you are when I need you. But I haven’t registered yet and I won’t until I make some decisions about what I want to do with my fall schedule. I’m feeling like this is good and everything’s going to be OK now. I just need to do things at my own pace without a lot of poking to see if I’m done yet.