When Christopher Met Herman

I was going to post a 6-Sentence Sunday from Splinters, but then realized I’ve got very little new written in there. School’s slowed that down and being broken has slowed it down even more. I think I won’t really be able to get into Splinters again until after the cast comes off and finals are done next month. Thankfully, I’ll have a whole month off before Spring semester starts, so I’ll concentrate on writing then.

In the meantime, I’m breaking my previous rule about not posting anything from my writing class until it was over. It’s been weeks since I turned this one in, so I doubt anyone’s still looking for it–if they ever were. So, this is that assignment where I wrote about the first time two characters meet. I haven’t written anything more on it, but I’ve got lots of notes on where I see them going. Definite drama, definite HEA.

Oh and Christopher is a good example of an effeminate gay IMHO ;)

“Herman” by Thorny Sterling

When most of the gay guys I knew had been gagging over Orlando Bloom as that blond elf girl, I had quietly built a spank bank of memories about a certain hairy dwarf.

Yep, I’m that guy. The guy whose type you just cannot understand. The guy who pops wood because of a hairy back, swoons for a full beard, and jacks it raw over a fuzzy ass-crack.

I like me a furry fireplug—good God do I!—which was why I came a little when Herman Dreward walked into the foyer of the Dreward Bed and Breakfast in tiny little Dreward, Ohio.

I was most definitely not after the Dreward fortune as some would later claim.

The uncaring bastards.

Seriously, I’m not that kind of guy. I mean, it’s not like I could marry him and be his little trophy husband to spend his millions. I’ve got the looks for the part, don’t get me wrong, but Ohio’s going to be the last state to change the laws, sweartagod. But I really am not that kind of user.

I’m totally after Herman’s body.

He’s everything I love. Oh he’s just perfect! Maybe about five-five or six, broad shoulders and a barrel chest with an itty little waist so he’s totally V-shaped, and he’s got these ham hock arms just covered in crispy dark hairs. I know those hairs are all over him. I know it! Thick, bowed legs and cute, little feet that I ached to see pointing to the sky while I stood between them. Bushy eyebrows, the hair on his head dark brown and tufted in every direction, and a full beard that made him look so completely cuddly I could’ve tackled him where he stood!

As it was, I got right up in his personal space and stared down into big, chocolate eyes all fringed by long lashes and blinking up at me. His pink mouth was open just a little and a small gasp sounded. I really, really hoped he was as taken by me as I was by him right then. Really.

“I’m Chris.”

“Uh. Herman.”

“Hi, Herman.”

“Hi.”

I was totally breathless and couldn’t stop my hands from fluttering between us. I mean, at least I wasn’t grabbing him and tossing him down right there on the braided rag rug at the front door. Or begging him to toss me down. I’d have to get really low on my knees to go down on him while he was standing. Oh please, please, please let him have a thick, untrimmed bush inside those adorably dorky cords! I wouldn’t care if he had a microdick if there was a bristly thatch to bury my nose in. And furry balls! Oh God I loved that. Unf!

“Um. Did you need help checking in?”

“Oh Herman, I’m not staying here!” I tittered and swiped a hand at his shoulder. “Silly! I work here now.”

His bottom lip was so plump and the sweetest baby pink as he kept right on looking up at me, blinking those gorgeous brown eyes, before I clicked into the fact he didn’t understand.

“Now I’m silly!” I gasped a little as I touched him. Soft wool the perfect rusty color of a robin’s breast and a thick shoulder muscle beneath. Eee! “I’m here to get the inn online so you have a website and reservation system. That’s my job. Why I’m here.” I swallowed hard, losing the battle against a sudden case of nerves. “For you. I mean, the inn.”

Oh blast and damn! It happened every single time. Damn it. I got so excited to find the perfect looking guy that I just blew it by completely freaking out on him. Like leaving my hand on his shoulder the whole time! I snatched it back, covered my mouth, clutched at my collar, crossed my arms. Oh here we go!

“Sorry, Herman. I’m just… I’m a little, um…”

He smiled.

He smiled!

“It’s okay, Chris. First day jitters. I get it.”

I nodded like a bobble-head doll, just so damn glad to have him smiling—smiling!—that I’d agree with anything he said. (Ha-ha! If he only knew just what that could get him right now!) And what a smile it was too. Those root beer eyes went all crinkly on the sides and got squished up so they nearly disappeared. Pudgy little cheeks turned pink above the line of his beard, and I could almost see the stretch of his lips behind all that fuzzy, dark hair.

I wanted to grab him up. Seriously, just pick him up and rub him all over me!

“So did you need—?”

“I met your mom.”

What the heck? Spouting random facts was new to me twirling down Spaz Lane. Wait. I could save this.

“I mean, she was here. I got here when a couple arrived, and Missus Dreward wanted to see them to their room before she put me in the office. I mean, to show me where it was. And all that sort of thing. But I can work anywhere once I get the wireless router name and password because I brought my laptop.” I realized my hands were empty. “At least, I thought I had.”

I looked down farther than Herman and saw my laptop case was on the floor beside my foot. Good grief, I hadn’t even noticed I’d dropped it! Snatching it up, I clutched it to my chest and… Damn it. He was looking at me like he’d finally caught on to the fact I was a total spaz. Great. Oh damn it.

I could’ve cried. Really, just cried.

“Well, she probably knows more about all of that than I do.”

His tone was, at least, still pleasant and a little less uncertain. Still eyeing me, though. I tried harder not to explode all over him. I even took a sliding step back.

“Can I get you some coffee? We have fresh, home-made danishes today too.”

Oh my God, no. So much sugar and flour and probably gobs of butter to absolutely ruin my boyish figure and get me ping-ponging around the room even worse than this. Definitely no.

“Oh yes. Thank you, Herman. That would be lovely.”

Obviously, my brain-to-mouth connections were fried.

Brain-to-feet worked perfectly fine, though, because as Herman stomped with a jaunty gait past me and into the dining room, I had no problem following him. I’d always been rather obedient. It was being called puppy-like that I very much detested. Except, well, I did pant a bit at the moment while trailing after Herman. And there was the whole fireplug and puppy analogy to consider. I’d have wagged a tail if I had one too.

All right, for Herman, I was fine with being puppy-like. But only him!

He lead me to a fabulous mahogany breakfront, an enormous creation of gleaming wood and glass, on which sat the delicate china and silver ready to serve a continental breakfast that, well… It was homemade at it’s most elegant, I’m sure. Rich scents of definite sugary butteriness filled the air along with that bracing waft of caffeine. I was a bit excited to see actual cups and saucers in a delightful yellow rose pattern that was reminiscent of the ones ever so subtly repeated throughout the room.

The Dreward decorator knew their Victorian B&B style very well.

Oh sigh. Cue the spaz! I nearly lost it completely when confronted with my laptop bag and the necessity of two hands required for the procurement of sustenance. I actually fumbled the thing. Again, should’ve gotten the one with a shoulder strap, Christopher! But no, we had to be different, didn’t we!

“It’s okay, Chris. Let’s just set it down here,” Herman said and then he laughed. That was a laugh! Well, maybe a mild chuckle, but it was mirth. I inspired Herman’s glee!

There was a great deal more giddiness in me as I managed to successfully set down my laptop bag on an adorable little, buttercup settee. Then Herman waved me over to my cup and saucer of steaming, dark coffee.

Oh dear. Minor dilemma. I had no idea how I liked my coffee. (I drank tea!) Bollocks. Well, time to learn. Herman offered coffee, was prepared to produce coffee, and we would, therefore, drink coffee.

Herman looked to me. “How do you take it?”

I’m ashamed to say it was a moment before I realized he meant the beverage and not a potential cock. I was a particular fan of spooning to fuck, actually. There was just something about how a man could get wrapped up in grasping arms and, honestly, I enjoyed both being the big or little spoon. More so the big, but— Oh damn. He was waiting for an answer.

“I would love a dash of cream and three cubes of sugar.” It was how my mother liked hers anyway. I hadn’t fallen too far from that tree in any other regard, so why not in coffee?

Herman had hairy hands. Not gorilla hairy—I mean, he couldn’t exactly brush it—but there were enough dark hairs on the back of his hands and his knuckles to really notice. It gave me great hopes for his back and ass. If the man came with his own sweater, I would be in ecstasy! Seriously.

“I’m really going to like working here,” I said, belatedly realizing I’d said it out loud.

But Herman looked up at me and smiled again. Smiled!

Eee-he-he!


“Herman” © 2012 Thorny Sterling.

35 thoughts on “When Christopher Met Herman

  1. Pingback: Thorny, Not Prickly | SPLINTERS Has Its Own Page

  2. I really liked this, and would love to read more. Chris is adorable!

    Like

  3. You are amazing, T. You really are.

    Like

  4. Love Chris. Like love love love him! In seconds, I was right there with him. And even though Herman isn’t *my* type, reading this from Chris’s POV made me want him too! Excellent job, T. Want more please.

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