being brave | Thorny, Not Prickly

Living Out as an Effeminate Gay Man

April 22, 2013 by Thorny 26 Comments

In high school, I did my best to blend in and get lost in the crowd. All my friends were girls, and none of them were surprised when I eventually came out to them. Having met up with other people I went to school with now at the university, it wasn’t much of a surprise for them either.

I was bullied back then, but I never realized it was anything I should stand up to or had a right to demand it end. I was guilty of talking behind people’s backs and making rush judgements for childish reasons. I just never had it so bad that going to school was the hell it is/was for some LGBT kids.

But that was when I was TRYING to pass as straight. Now that I’m not? Now that I’m being me 90% of the time?

Oh hello, bullies. Silly me for thinking you wouldn’t notice me.

I’ve been told I act “too gay” so of course more people will see me now. I’ve been told I act “too girly” so of course people are going to judge me. When people say these things, it’s almost like they’re saying “I told you so”, like they tried to tell me to stop and I ignored them.

Well, yeah, I ignored that. I’m not overacting. I’m being ME. I’m not going to apologize if this is the first time in 21 years that they’ve finally seen the real me. They should apologize to me for never giving me the opportunity to trust them with real myself before now.

I think that’s one of the complications after coming out. You make your announcement and then you try living as you’ve always wished you could. No more passing, just being yourself. But then people are all bent out of shape because “he’s so different now… I don’t even recognize him anymore” and they say it like that’s a bad thing.

The bad is that they’ve never let that person be themselves before now.

It’s really hard when being yourself is being more effeminate than most of the world wants to let you be. That’s what changed about me between high school and now. I’ve asked my girl friends from then what’s different about me and here’s a list of some of the words they used:

happier
smiles more
eye-contact
talk with my hands
braver

Huh. Sounds like a better person to me. But not everyone thinks so and, really, I don’t expected them to. I’d love it if I could make it through a week where I didn’t have someone holler out a slur or have someone else move away like I’m contagious. I have met a few people who started out that way, but managed to grow up after a while (like by the end of the semester).

Living Out is a work in progress. I get that and I accept it. There are more instances of the good stuff than the bad, and I know I have a lot of support from my family and friends. When I have a bad moment, I know I can turn to Jazz first and then a whole long list of others who’ll cheer me up and help me remember that it’s never wrong to be myself…even if I’m wearing a dress to do it

Filed under Seeing Tagged with being brave, being strong, effeminate gay men, gender fluid gay men, standing up, such a complicated snowflake

Overcoming Body Image Issues

March 25, 2013 by Alec 29 Comments

When I had my own blog, I wrote the following in early March of 2012:

When I think of myself [...] I think of my leg first. I’m missing a pretty significant piece of me, I know I’m really aware of it when guys look at me, and I know it’ll be an issue like any physical flaw is should I get myself out there. I used to think I was pretty hot, but I don’t anymore and it weighs on me because it’s not something I can fix. It’s not teenage acne or braces or being too underweight. Those I overcame eventually. I can’t work out in a lot of the same ways I used to so I’m losing mass and I have scars all over and my leg’s gone.

I guess there’s one good thing coming out of this: If I’m concerned now with how I look, paying attention to that now, then I must be gearing up to thinking about dating. I very much know I’m not there yet, but it’s on the horizon way out there. That’s good anyway. Maybe I’ll know I’m ready for it when I don’t think of the leg first.

My first summer home, three years ago, I didn’t like to wear shorts unless I was around people I know or at home. I didn’t want people to see my prosthesis. I didn’t want to see it, or my stump, or all the scars. That avoidance turned into a hate and, along with all my other PTSD issues, contributed to my descent into alcoholism. I had a lot to overcome and it started with accepting myself for who I am now.

Last summer, I could wear the shorts, but going swimming sounded like torture. It would mean taking off my prosthesis and letting people see my stump and all the scars on it and my side. There are people who’ve seen all of that, but I balked at the idea of opening myself up to strangers. Quicker this time, without as much drama, I got to the point where I recognized I was allowing other people to make me uncomfortable, that I gave that power to them. So I went to the public pool with a posse of supporters and ignored everyone I didn’t know.

I think having Carter in my life has helped me get to a point now where, though there are times when a situation or something said or done makes me cringe, it isn’t the end of everything. He’s seen, touched, etc. every mark on me and accepts them. Like my parents, he believes it’s better to have me scarred than not at all — and I think so too.

I know we jumped into this relationship pretty quickly — it wasn’t “on the horizon way out there” but less than a month away. When it’s right, though, jumping in is what you do, I guess. I am so much happier, healthier, and saner now than three years ago and, while I’ll take credit for starting the process, Carter’s helped me keep that going and growing ever since.

pool jumper

Filed under Recovery Tagged with being brave, body image issues, recovering from injury, self-confidence

Some Thoughts for Alec

February 26, 2013 by Thorny 30 Comments

You may not see it from me often since I don’t comment on his posts, but Alec is a huge inspiration for me and someone I keep learning from over and over again. He’s like a big brother, watching out for me and taking care of me and there when I need advice. I might’ve helped him find Carter, but there are a lot of times when Alec helps me find me.

He’s been going through a lot lately with taking new steps in his recovery, and he really amazes me. I know some of it really scares him, but he does it anyway, and that makes me want to be stronger, braver, too. He’s probably going to bop me on the back of my head for all this the next time he sees me, but I’m doing it anyway

Love you, big brother.

Filed under Family, Recovery Tagged with being brave, being strong, brother, Mental Health, support

Letting Go & Moving On

February 20, 2013 by Alec 24 Comments

The bomb that cost me my leg also took the lives of two of my men. Since I was in various hospitals recovering from my injuries, I wasn’t involved in any way with telling their families what happened. Then, after I was able to talk to them, I just didn’t. I really couldn’t for a while since I was wrapped up in recovering both physically and mentally. I also didn’t want to because I wasn’t sure of my reception and was afraid of what it would mean if things went badly. Until a few months ago, I also felt responsible, survivor’s guilt maybe, and couldn’t bring myself to open up to the families of those men.

But, like a lot of what I’ve been through does, it stayed in the back of my mind. Not festering there, really, just around and it would come out now and then like a toe testing the pool temperature. Then it got to the point I was talking about it with different people, including my therapist, and it felt like time to make a decision: Either call or don’t, but pick one. Honestly, I think I always knew I’d call eventually.

One wasn’t bad. His parents have managed to come to terms with their son’s death and are proud of him for what he was doing. Followed in his family’s footsteps since a lot of them have had military backgrounds. It was good talking to them, and I believed them when they said they appreciated me calling. They asked how I was doing too, which was nice of them.

I was prepared for the other to not be great because I knew his mom never understood why he’d ever joined up. Still, it wasn’t easy for me since I set myself up as a target for her anger and pain. I get it, though. I’d be angry and hurting too if I couldn’t find my way to understanding and accepting. I’m saddened by the state she’s in and I wished her well even as she screamed at me. I do hope she can find her way through this too.

I don’t regret calling either of them because it let me put the worry of what would happen behind me while also tying up loose ends so I can move on in my own recovery. I think that’s the most important thing, so I’m glad I took this step.

Filed under Recovery Tagged with being brave, closure, Mental Health

Jazz’s Romance Tips

February 7, 2013 by Jazz 30 Comments

Since my anniversary is coming up and my husband thinks I’m the romantic one, I’m going to attempt to explain my approach to including romance in a long-term relationship.

I think the most important thing to remember when being romantic is honest communication. I think Thorny’s beautiful, but anyone can see or say that word. I’ll tell and show him I think the curve of his upper lip, the inside of his left wrist, and all of his pink parts are particularly beautiful. Those are just him, special and unique, and some of them are only for me to see. He’s got a smile that revs me up from 0 to 60 in under 3 seconds and it gets even better when I tell him what that look’s doing to me. Saying, out loud, what I see and why I love it is an honest way of being spontaneously romantic.

Creativity is good, but originality isn’t essential. If you saw someone else’s proposal on YouTube and loved it, there’s nothing that says you can’t do the same thing. There’s a reason certain items, like roses and candles, are usually present during romantic dinners: They’re timeless symbols of love. Want to start small, but have a big impact? Buy a heart and flowers card completely outside of any romantic holiday, sign it, and hand it over. If you’ve never done such a thing, I guarantee you’ll get a lot of surprised blinking, a big smile, and at least one “worth it” kiss. Wait a month, then do it again. One of the most romantic dinners I’ve ever had happened during a power outage while we ate sandwiches by candlelight. A couple months later, we did it again just because.

Photo by Clover Autrey. Used under Creative Commons license.

By the way, those two words — just because — are some of the most romantic words ever uttered. Why did you buy me this? Why are you doing this? Just because. Even Thorny melts for just becauses.

Now, obviously, it takes a lot of bravery to get that first gesture/word out there for some people. Maybe everyone. Even as comfortable as I am now with expressing how much I love Thorny and why, I still get butterflies before and while I’m doing whatever it is. Will he like it? Gets me every time. So when it comes to being romantic, there’s probably always going to be some time spent psyching ourselves up to actually doing whatever it is. Give your partner a break if there’s sweating, stuttering, or something gets messed up. Perfection in the moment isn’t the goal here. Giving up a piece of true emotion is what they’re offering and that they’re offering it at all is the perfect part.

Some real-life examples:

Alec said one of the most romantic things Carter’s done for him was going to Walgreens when they were both sick as dogs last summer. No arguing, no begging, Carter just gave Alec the last tissue and went to the store. He might not have brought home a card, but the cough medicine and decongestant so they could sleep was just as good.

My mom said she knew Dad loved her when he held her hand while introducing her to his friends for the first time. The fact he takes the trash out without prompting also says love to her. (Dad says he knew she loved him when he introduced himself to her, but he said it with a wink and laughed when she pinched him.)

I think it’s romantic when Thorny gets up with me in the morning even though he doesn’t have to go to school that day. He might jump right back into bed once I leave, but he makes me coffee and lunch while I get ready. I think the same thing when he comes over with a blanket and cuddles while I watch TV and he reads.

Now it’s your turn. What’s the most romantic thing someone’s done for you, or the most romantic thing you’ve heard/read about? We could all use some good ideas.

Filed under Marriage Tagged with being brave, flirting, How to be Romantic, husband, love, Relationships

Alec’s Old Blog Posts

December 13, 2012 by Alec 5 Comments

There’s a new page up there with all the old posts from my blog.

It was interesting reading through them again. I can see the changes in me over the months they cover, especially after I met Carter. Obviously, I’ve noticed how my life has improved this year, but seeing what I’ve had to say about it has been a nice reminder.

Filed under Seeing Tagged with being brave, being strong, Carter, love, parents, Relationships, support