Guest Post: Carter Coming Out, 1 Year Later

I’m handing the blog over to Carter today because we went out for the first time a year ago today. Since he had come out to friends and family as bisexual only a couple weeks before then, I asked him to write something up about what life’s been like for him this past year. And, because I promised not to, I haven’t censored anything.

Hi, everyone! This is Carter! I don’t really comment much here because I’m hardly ever online, but I get all the posts in my email. I wanted to take just a second to say how much I appreciate the support you’ve all shown to my family members in here. You all really care and I just love that these guys can come talk through whatever in here and you cheer or cry right along with them. I think that’s just great.

Alright, so a year ago, on St. Patrick’s Day in fact, I made the decision to go out with some close friends of mine to a bar downtown and make an effort “to encourage male attention.” I said just that to them because I didn’t want to hook up or anything like that, I just wanted to dance, talk, flirt, and see how it felt. The reason was I’d had a bad breakup with a woman just before Christmas and my brother’s successful relationship with Thorny had gotten me thinking about dating a guy.

I guess I should say that on the Kinsey scale like the one below, I’m like about a 2 because I’d noticed and flirted before, but very few men made me want to go further than that. Knowing this about myself wasn’t new information, but wanting to act on it for real this time was. I had fun partying on St. Patrick’s Day, meeting some guys and talking to them, but nobody made me look twice. Nobody made me want to really dive into this and see what happened.

A variation on the Kinsey Scale.

Enter Alec. I liked the way he looked the first time I saw his photo because he was scruffy, had sharp green eyes, and looked like trouble. I think I was halfway hooked talking to him on the phone because he’s got one of those gravely voices like he smokes a pack an hour (though he’s never smoked in his life) and, though I’d heard him laugh and loved it, I wondered what he’d sound like coming…with my help, in fact. So, yeppers, this guy did it for me just over the phone. When we finally met, I saw a man who looked like he needed someone but he’d be damned if he’d admit it. Him and Jazz have both written about what I was like that night with not being able to keep my hands to myself. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a lost soul with pretty eyes and a sarcastic mouth…and that voice!

Now it wasn’t all just falling into being gay and that was the end of it, no big deal. There was some stuff to deal with for me. Explaining to people about bisexuality and the fact me “switching teams” wasn’t coming out of nowhere were the biggest things. I didn’t meet with a lot of problems, just confusion and speculation like people didn’t get “how it could happen to a guy like me” and what it meant about them if they were or weren’t OK with it. Stuff like the Kinsey scale was new to most people and it seemed like it shocked a lot of them to discover actual degrees between 0 and 6. I probably got annoying hollering “Surprise!” all the time.

Other people’s reactions weren’t the only things I needed to adjust to. I don’t know how it is for other guys having sex with their first man, but it was a lot of newness for me. Good new, so I was having these aha! moments all over the place, but I was nervous and hesitant like a virgin all over again. It didn’t take that long to get Alec in bed (woohoo!) but he did hesitate himself some for a lot of valid reasons. Namely, he wasn’t convinced of my sincerity in wanting to explore my sexuality, but also because he was still recovering from everything that’s happened to him. I didn’t want to spook him anymore than I wanted to freak myself out. If kissing him was so great, though…

I’ll admit to reading some of these romances (especially the parts Alec likes to bookmark) and the authors writing about first times and the gay-for-you straight guy experiences have got it right. Most of it, anyway. That nervous hesitation stuff was gone pretty fast because the learning curve is way low. It became more about who I was with than what I was doing actually doing. Alec’s going to roll his eyes at this, but I’ve never had sex with him; even the first time we were making love. That soon and I just knew.

There are aspects to being in a relationship with a man that are different than being with a woman, but not a lot. Not for me, anyway. I’ve always liked an independent woman who sincerely wants to take care of herself, but who still wants someone to lean on when she needs it. That’s still there with Alec. Sure, he doesn’t admit it as readily every time and he can be a stubborn bastard when he wants to be. Cuddles like a teddy bear, though, and he holds my hand too, even in public.

The public, strangers… Yeah, that’s where being with a guy is a whole new ballgame. {haha} Seriously, though, it just amazes me how ignorant some people are and I really don’t understand why they think it’s OK for them to comment on my relationship. At first, I admit, I got belligerent and in their face about their own relationships — Why haven’t you married your girlfriend? Like gettin’ that milk for free, don’tcha? — but that never solved anything. Fighting back was pointless because it just ended up being a contest…and then the bibles came out!

I’m Catholic, so I get where they’re coming from when they start quoting at me. But I also look at my brothers and their spouses and I cannot, will not, see a difference just because of somebody’s gender. I believe God loves me and wants me to know and give love to the people in my life. If the person I love and who loves me back happens to be a man, I also believe it’s what God wants for me. It’s not about temptation or anything else like that for me; God doesn’t make mistakes and He made me, so I’m exactly as I should be.

Blah! Enough of that.

So adjusting to the public and letting the things said and done around me roll off like water off a duck’s back was really difficult for a while, but I’ve managed to get to a place where it just doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I guess if I really had to say what’s changed about my life since coming out, I’d say it’s gotten better. I’m not sure labels matter as much as finding someone I love and can spend the rest of my life with.

(That’s you, Ally. Happy Anniversary! Love you!)