The Impact of Acceptance

I’ve had some family events in the not so distant past that have had a negative impact on my life because of a lack of acceptance. Some members of my family think I’m weak for being an alcoholic who went to rehab and can mark my sobriety in years. Some of them think I’m inhuman for being gay. A deviant for corrupting a straight man. A traitor for still calling myself a Marine.

Not all of them feel this way about me anymore. The few who don’t have managed to realize I’m happier living my life without pretending to be someone I’m just not while loving someone who’s everything I need in a partner. These people will have me in their homes, around their children, and they’ll come to my home too.

They aren’t who I think of when I hear the word “family” though. I’m related to those people by blood and some of them are worth knowing and I do keep up that bond. My family, the people who I would do anything for and who would do the same for me, are the ones who’ve adopted me into their lives because one of their own loves me.

Thorny and I have both talked about the family before, so I’m sure you know they’re generally open, accepting, loving people. And I know this too, but it still hits me from time to time, and especially when the whole clan gets together over a holiday.

Easter-eggsEaster for this family is a combo of sacred and silly. It’s optional to go to Mass, but heavily encouraged — having an adorable little woman get teary and sniff into a hanky while mumbling in Italian for the health of your immortal soul is some wicked powerful motivation. There’s a formal noon meal with everyone still dressed up and looking fine. We get a break to go home and change, let babies nap, etc. before regrouping to hunt down eggs, devour chocolate, and watch rabbit-themed cartoons. (Not to mention observe the sugar-high and subsequent coma of certain young people under the age of, say, 23. ;-) )

Mixed in with all of that is this bond between all of them that, when it’s turned on me, is strange and wonderful. Men hug and plant a kiss on my cheek, cute old ladies pinch my butt, kids sit on my lap or fall asleep in my arms, and a big guy who smiles a lot doesn’t hesitate to show everyone how much he loves me. I’m drawn in, accepted, and loved and that’s it, I’m their family, their brother and their son. It’s the real family feel around these people that makes all the difference.

Just so you know, I got my prosthesis on Friday and went back to work on Monday. Carter’s truck is currently in the shop, getting repaired on the other guy’s insurance. :-)

A Rough Week

from LC Chase

from LC Chase

I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I’ve changed my mind :)

On Monday night, I had a panic attack. I haven’t had one of those in a pretty long time. I’d been under some stress for a week or so and wasn’t really noticing that. Then on Monday, I misunderstood an option for a demand, something I had to do, and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

Thankfully, I can recover from these with comfort and quiet and Jazz there to tell me everything’s going to be alright. He’d actually already built me a nest on the couch :) because he’d been seeing something coming my way–and his really because he has to deal with me–so the comfort was all set when this hit. (I am going to talk to my doctor about medication to have on hand should this ever happen when I’m alone or away from home because I don’t think I’d recover so well then.)

Some of what I’m dealing with is related to SPLINTERS. There are a lot of unanswerable questions right now related to what’s next. I’m stalled at waiting to see if publishers want it or if I’ll self-publish instead. That’s a big part of my frustrations because it will decide everything else. So I’m in this limbo, stuck here waiting for other people. I’m not used to this in general, but in writing and publishing and being this professional person, it’s all SO BIG that it gets overwhelming fast.

I need to remember to step back and let things set if there’s nothing I can do about them now, which isn’t easy for me. But things like that image up there and others I received from my friends have reminded me that everything will be OK. Waiting doesn’t mean failing or being lazy, it just means giving someone else a chance to do their part. Then I can jump back in and off we go again. My list is getting longer, but that’s OK too. Or it will be when I chill out again :)

Available Alec

I’m approachable. At least, I want to be.

In person, I think I do alright. I know my neutral expression, especially with the scars, can be intimidating. I look like I was in one hell of a fight. I try to smile to counteract that every time I see someone looking. Gotten to the point the baristas at my Dunkin know me by name now, and I consider that an accomplishment requiring a good impression.

Online… Maybe not so much.

I have a Google+ profile, though it’s a confusing mashup of Facebook status updates and Twitter tags. I’m on Twitter, though not that often do I retweet or share something myself — I am reading your tweets. I have a Tumblr, though I don’t use it much anymore (long story involving data usage overages). And I’m here once a week.

connectSometimes, all of it feels like not enough. Do I want to be more active socially? I don’t know. Every now and then, I get restless and want to go do something. I have a nice group of friends who’re usually up for whatever. Carter’s pretty game too. It works out.

But online interaction feels… Less personal? Removed? And that doesn’t work for me. I don’t really know why it needs to be better, but it does. Part of me would like to start conversations and run with them in groups or individually. Maybe it’s just a matter of saying “hey, here I am, come chat.” I don’t know, but this here is a solution for the moment.

If you’re feeling like it, connect with me by any means above, don’t think you’re bugging me, or use the form below to send me an email. I’m using the form to keep my email address from getting spammed, but I’m open to writing back.

Actually, maybe I want all my online interactions to feel as good as it does to get your comments? That could be a big part. I’ve begun looking forward to Wednesdays — and not just because it’s my day off work. ;-)


Thank You, Our Allies

After some rough posts and the legislation issues of last week, I just wanted to toss out a great big THANK YOU to all of you.

So many of you are involved in making the world better for people like me, and I don’t know that I express my thanks enough for that. A lot of you don’t have any stake in equal rights or marriage equality except that you’re good people who want the best for everyone around you. And you express that by joining, attending, volunteering, donating, and coming out as an ally to friends and family who may not agree with your stand.

That’s what gets me in the heart all over again: You don’t have to, but you do, even if it’s risky for you. That, right there, is massive support, and I sincerely love you for it.

I really hope all of these are accurate :)

I really hope all of these are accurate :)