The Birthday I Didn’t Think I’d See

Today is my 30th birthday. Like the title says, it’s the one I didn’t think I’d see. When I was injured, I figured my life wouldn’t be worth living much longer. When I was drinking, I didn’t want to live this life. When I was in rehab, I started to learn to take one day at a time and not look to far out. Now I’m here, thirty years old.

It’s surprising, but not. Life’s been worth living for a few years now. Better and better. I still have a bitch of a day now and then, dark times that pull me down and threaten everything. I’ve got reasons to look for the light and people to help me back up again now, though. Feeling like I can do this more often than not.

This year’s birthday isn’t happening with a giant themed party. I’m spending today with Carter, just kicking back and enjoying each other. My parents get tomorrow night, his on Friday. Saturday, we’re going over to Thorny and Jazz’s for a friends get together. Plenty of food, fancy non-alcoholic fruit drinks ;-) and good company. Maybe some games and definitely some fun conversations. It’ll be good.

Mostly, though, I’m damn happy I made it to now.


Reactions to the F-word (no, the other one)

I don’t like this word. “Owning” it isn’t something I want to do. Don’t use it near me even if you’re joking around or attempting to appropriate it to diminish its power. Just don’t. There’s too much pain for me and others I know that’s associated with being called that word in ways meant to hurt and oppress us. It makes me cringe, makes me angry, and I will lash out at whoever uses it, even if it’s a friend being “funny.” It will never be funny to me.

Future Worries… Or Are They?

“Write about what you’ll be worrying about five years from now. Ten years from now. Thirty years from now.”

642thingsJazz bought me a book called 642 THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT by The San Francisco Writers’ Grotto. Apparently, I’ve mentioned not having anything to write for the blog just a few times too many :P Anyway, the instruction up there was the first one I flipped to, and it kinda took hold.

Five years from now, I’ll be worrying about a toddler. That’s been the plan for a while at least, I mean, wanting to be a parent before I’m 25. Sophie’s actually asked me recently if I’m ready to knock her up yet — which always makes me laugh — but I haven’t said yes yet. Not yet. But, yeah, five years from now, I’ll be worrying about my bitty little kid.

In ten years… Hmm… Probably mostly still the kid. I’ll be in my 30s and Jazz will be in his 40s. I’m betting somebody’s going to have a mid-life crisis or two in there. We might be looking at getting a bigger house or a whether we’ll have enough for the kid’s college. Jazz’ parents will be in their 60s, my dad in his 50s, and Grams… Well, let’s not rush thinking about that.

Thirty years from now seems kinda incomprehensible. We’ll be our parents’ ages! The kid’ll be 25 or so and might be making us grandparents ourselves! O.o I’ll be in my 50s, Jazz in his 60s. We could be thinking about downsizing our lives and his retirement. I’ll be a multi-published author, of course, with a movie franchise under my belt. He’ll have had his Ph.D. for a couple decades or so, but I’ll still call him Dr. Jazzypants ;) We’ll celebrate our thirty-fourth wedding anniversary in the fall.

You know what I just realized I’m seeing? Right now, my “worries” look like some pretty darn awesome life events. I’m sure there will be plenty of things to worry myself into a tizzy over, but… I’m actually looking forward to all of it :)

I Still Believe In Me

"I Believe In Me" by Thorny Sterling/TAR☀
“I Believe In Me” by Thorny Sterling/TAR☀

This new painting means a lot to me because “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten means a lot to me. It’s my go-to song when I feel like I need help remembering how to smile, you know? I’m not so bad. I can do it. Everything’ll be OK. I just have to believe in me :) That’s what the song means to me and, I hope, this painting conveys a little of that feeling.

Because, let’s face it, no one’ll get far in a paper boat on the ocean without a lot of resolute perseverance, right?

It’s based on an image I found on — which is a great place to find cheap images — and when I saw it, I knew it was perfect for what I’d envisioned while listening to the song (over and over and over).

“I Believe In Me” is now available at Sunshine Paintings :)

Marriage Equality is HERE


It’s here. They did it.

We can legally marry!


I honestly don’t have the words. I was so afraid and now it’s done and real. We are equal. They have to support us and they aren’t going to fight it.

The phone’s ringing off the hook! I’m so in love with my husband! We’re gonna get married! ❤️