It feels so melodramatic now, but it felt imminent and terrifying at the time. See, on Thursday morning, seconds after we’d arrived at the university, Jazz slipped on the ice and fell. He crashed down so hard that it knocked the breath out of him and made him feel faint and nauseous. And he kept clutching at his chest. So while other people are helping him up and maneuvering us all away from the ice formerly known as a parking lot, I’m freaking out thinking my husband is having a heart attack and he’s going to die.
Yep, so over the top dramatic. I know. But all I could think was Oh my God, what if I’m losing him?
Fast forward a few minutes to him in his office, sitting in his chair and telling me he’s fine and I should run off to take the test I spent the night studying for. “Go on already. I’m fine.” Yeah? Well, I’m not. But I went anyway, took a test I can’t remember one question of, and hurried back to him. “Let’s go to that clinic place,” he says. “I might need an X-ray.” His elbow is scabbed and bruised — even through four layers of clothing! — and it’s throbbing and stiff.
Long story short, Jazz is all banged up but fine. I made him stay home from work when he woke up achy on Friday. He’s filing stuff for worker’s compensation, but it didn’t seem to faze the university much since they didn’t do anything about the parking lot until later Friday afternoon — and we’re guessing they plowed the snow off so the ice was more accessible. I’m still not happy with them.
There was a lot of cuddling going on at our place for the past four days. I’m pretty sure I needed it more because that was just such a shocking realization. The fragility of life, you know? My God. It brought me back to how terrified I was of losing my dad after Mom’s death. All those feelings of abandonment — or the threat of that — came flooding in. Billions of “what if’s” bombarding my brain. I could’ve had my own heart attack!
Just goes to show that what messes you up as a kid never really goes away, you just get better at coping with it all. I didn’t panic, but I forgot everything about how not to, you know? I think it’s the meds that prevented that from actually happening. I’m working it out for myself and trying to embrace today and now instead of worrying about things I can’t control.
I’m really glad I let Friday’s post go ahead instead of talking about this then because all those fabulous book recommendations and mini discussions were a great distraction :) Thanks, you guys!